The

Communication

Edge

by F R E D V A N R I P E R

'I'm sorry' isn't enough

read on SEATATTHETABLECOACHING.COM | March 16, 2025

A few years ago, I caught myself in a cycle I didn’t even realize I was stuck in.

My wife and I had the same argument every few weeks.

Different details, same pattern.

I’d say something that upset her.
She’d call it out.
I’d get defensive, then backtrack.
And then—like clockwork—I’d say:

"I’m sorry, okay?"

And I meant it. At least, I thought I did.

But the next time we had the same kind of argument, I’d realize nothing had changed. And neither had her frustration.

One night, after I apologized (again), she said something that hit me:

"You’re not actually sorry. You just want this conversation to end."

Ouch.

Right then and there, I recognized the pattern I was in. She was right. But it still took me some time to break out of it.

Old habits die hard.

Here's what I learned.

1 Skill: Apologize like a leader

I started paying attention to the best leaders I knew—at work, in relationships, in life.

I noticed something they do that I wasn't doing.

They don't just say sorry. They do three things differently:

They acknowledge the real impact
– Instead of “I’m sorry you’re upset”, they’d say “I see how that affected you.”
They take clear responsibility
– No excuses, no defensiveness, just “That wasn’t okay, and I own that.”
They commit to change
– “Here’s what I’ll do differently next time.”

No quick escape. No just moving on. Just real accountability.

1 Mindset Shift: Don't use an apology as an escape route

I realized my apologies weren’t about repairing anything.

They were about relief—my relief.

I wasn’t apologizing to take responsibility. I was apologizing to make the tension disappear. To move on. To get back to normal.

And the worst part? It wasn’t working.

Because every time I said “I’m sorry” without real change, it chipped away at something.

Her trust.
Her patience.
Her willingness to believe I meant it.

And that’s when I realized: A bad apology is worse than no apology at all.

Oh, and there's something else.

And this might be even harder for you.

But it's essential.

You must drop the expectation of instant forgiveness.

When I first tried this, I’ll be honest—it felt uncomfortable.

Because the moment you apologize this way, you lose the ability to control the other person’s reaction.

You can’t force them to say “It’s okay”.
You can’t rush them back to normal.
You can only do your part—and let trust rebuild over time.

And that’s what most people miss.

A real apology isn’t about you.

It’s about what the other person needs to actually heal.

1 Action Step: Upgrade your next apology

Think back to the last time you apologized just to “smooth things over.”

This week, when you mess up (because we all do), try this instead:

✔ Pause before you say “I’m sorry.”
✔ Ask yourself: What’s the real issue here?
✔ Own your part fully—without expecting instant relief.

Because at the end of the day, an apology isn’t about escaping discomfort.

It’s about learning from it.

And that’s what makes the difference between a cycle of frustration…
…and a relationship built to last.

See you next Sunday.

Inward,

Fred Van Riper

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