The
Communication
Edge
by F R E D V A N R I P E R
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The cost of keeping the peace
I’m usually someone who values harmony.
Keeping the peace, avoiding unnecessary conflict—it feels like the right thing to do.
But I’ve learned the hard way that avoiding conflict doesn’t actually create peace. It just builds resentment in silence.
Real partnerships—whether in business, marriage, or friendships—don’t thrive on mutual avoidance.
They thrive on mutual challenge.
And real peace?
It’s not the absence of conflict. It’s the presence of growth.
So today, let’s talk about how to engage in conflict the right way—so it strengthens your relationships instead of slowly breaking them down.
1 Skill: Productive Conflict Framing
The way you frame a conflict before it even starts determines how it ends. If you see it as a fight to win, you’ll create a loser.
But if you see it as an opportunity to grow together, you set the stage for collaboration.
Instead of approaching conflict with:
“Why do you always do this?” (blame)
Try:
“I want to understand what happened here so we can fix it.” (collaboration)
Shifting from attack mode to growth mode keeps the conversation open instead of turning it into a battleground.
1 Mindset Shift: Discomfort = Opportunity
Most people see conflict as a threat. It feels uncomfortable, and discomfort triggers avoidance.
But what if discomfort wasn’t a sign of danger, but a sign of opportunity?
In the best relationships, conflict isn’t a red flag—it’s a doorway.
A chance to understand each other more deeply. A chance to realign. A chance to clear out old patterns and build something stronger.
When conflict arises, don’t ask, “How do I end this quickly?” Instead, ask, “What can we learn from this?”
That shift changes everything.
1 Action Step: The Pause-Align-Engage Method
Next time a conflict sparks, run it through this simple three-step process:
- Pause – Before reacting, take a breath. Give yourself 10 seconds to recognize what’s happening emotionally.
- Align – Ask yourself: “What do I actually want here? A win? Or a solution that makes us stronger?”
- Engage – Lead with curiosity, not assumption. Instead of, “Why would you say that?” try “Help me understand where you’re coming from.”
Why This Matters
Healthy conflict isn’t about winning. It’s about growing.
Real partnerships don’t avoid conflict—they use it to build something better.
And real peace isn’t quiet—it’s strong, resilient, and built through understanding.
This week, I challenge you: The next time conflict arises, don’t dodge it.
Engage with it the right way.
Because on the other side of productive conflict?
That’s where real connection lives.
See you next Sunday.
Inward,
Fred Van Riper
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Frederick Van Riper
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