Intention vs. Attention
Read on my website | Read time: 4 minutes
I had a conversation last week with the author of Prioritize Us, Nick Brancato, that’s been sitting with me ever since.
Nick’s a coach who works with couples on strengthening their relationships through something deceptively simple: aligned priorities.
Not aligned values.
Aligned priorities.
Here’s why that matters:
Most people think they’re struggling because they’re not on the same page about what they believe.
But that’s rarely the real issue.
More often?
They say they value the same things—family, connection, communication—but when you look at how their time, energy, and attention get spent, there’s a completely different story unfolding.
A couple might both say they value “family time.” But one of them thinks that means dinner together at 5. The other thinks that means quality time on the weekend.
And during the week?
They’re buried in work, convinced it’s all for the family.
That disconnect is what Nick calls priority drift.
It doesn’t happen because people stop caring. It happens because they stop checking in.
I’ve seen it in my own coaching, especially with driven men:
They love their partner. They’d do anything for their kids. But their calendars don’t reflect that.
Not because they’re selfish. Because they haven’t made the invisible, visible.
They’re operating off assumptions, not agreements.
When Nick and I talked, one of the simplest ideas stuck out the most: "What are your top 3 priorities tomorrow—and does your partner know them?"
It sounds almost too simple.
But think about it.
How often do we assume the people closest to us “just know” what we’re working on?
And how often do we get annoyed when they don’t?
The fix isn’t a huge overhaul.
It’s a 5-minute conversation—daily.
You don't need to do a weekend retreat or read a dozen books to realign.
You need to communicate proactively, before you’re fighting reactively.
That’s the difference between intention and attention.
Your values are what you say matters.
Your priorities are what you show matters.
The most aligned couples I know don’t just share values. They stay aligned by translating those values into action.
Every day.
Here’s how you can start doing that today:
1. Ask your partner: “What are your top 3 priorities for tomorrow?”
Not just tasks. What do they need—emotionally, logistically, relationally?
2. Share yours. Honestly.
Even if your day is stacked, say it. Especially then. That’s how you build trust.
3. Compare notes.
Does anything need to shift? Are you unintentionally stepping on each other’s toes? Is there room to support each other better?
Simple? Yes.
But not easy—because it requires self-awareness, presence, and a willingness to be seen.
Most couples don’t fall apart because of values. They fall apart because they stopped being curious about how those values show up in real life.
Make your priorities visible.
Update them often.
And don’t confuse alignment with mind-reading.
That’s how you prevent priority drift.
That’s how you build something that lasts.
TL;DR:
1 Skill: Translate values into daily priorities
Don’t just agree on big-picture values—get fluent in how they show up today. The skill is taking something like “family time” and making it specific, measurable, and mutually understood.
1 Mindset Shift: Alignment isn’t automatic
Even the most connected couples experience drift. It’s not failure—it’s physics. Without regular checkpoints, priorities diverge. Think of alignment like steering a ship: tiny course corrections every day keep you on course.
1 Action Step: Do a 3x3 Priority Check tonight
Ask your partner: “What are your top 3 priorities tomorrow?” Share yours. Then ask: “Is there anything we’re not seeing?” Keep it short. Keep it honest. Let it be a rhythm, not a ritual.
Why This Matters ...
Because relationships don’t erode overnight—they erode in the small, unspoken disconnects that stack up over time.
Because no one builds a life they’re proud of by accident.
And because if you’re not making your priorities visible, you’re probably operating from assumptions—not alignment.
Clear priorities aren’t just a time-management tool. They’re how you show your family they matter.
See you next Sunday.
P.S. If this hit home, forward it to your partner. Use it as a jumping-off point. Better communication doesn’t start with perfect words. It starts with shared priorities.
Frederick Van Riper
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