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The invisible contract men keep signing

Read on my website | Read time: 3 minutes

We’re all living under a contract we never actually signed.

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At some point—maybe when we were young, maybe without even knowing it—we agreed to a silent set of terms:

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“I’ll hold it all together. I won’t complain. And eventually, someone will notice how much I’ve done.”

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But here’s the thing: It’s not working.

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Because no one can appreciate what they don’t see.

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No one asked you to white-knuckle your way through.

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And the cost you’re paying? It’s invisible to everyone but you.

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Here’s where it gets more complicated:

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Your partner has their own contract, too.

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But theirs tends to include the entire household: the meals, the kids’ emotions, the birthday gifts, the dentist appointments, the emotional weather of the family.

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Meanwhile, your mental load might revolve around work pressure, being a “provider,” keeping your own stress in check.

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You’re both overwhelmed.

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But it’s not the same overwhelm.
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And that gap? It becomes a breeding ground for resentment.

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You end up feeling unappreciated.
They end up feeling alone.
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And neither of you knows how to bring it up without it turning into a fight.

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So what happens?

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We double down on the contract.
We try harder. Do more. Stay quieter.
And feel even less seen.

1 Skill: Tear up the contract

Seriously—write it down.

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What rules are you living by that no one ever agreed to?

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Stuff like:

• “I need to be the rock.”
• “If I just keep going, eventually it’ll get better.”
• “My needs aren’t as important.”

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Then ask:
​Did I choose this? Or did I inherit it?

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Because leadership in your life and relationships doesn’t come from following inherited scripts.

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It comes from rewriting the terms.

1 Mindset Shift: Respect isn't earned by silence

You don’t earn respect by swallowing your truth.

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You don’t get appreciation by hiding your needs.

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You earn it by being real.

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By showing up in the discomfort.

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By doing the deeper work—without needing a gold star for it.

1 Action Step: Renegotiate the terms

Pick one part of your silent contract this week—and challenge it.

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Maybe you speak up when you’d normally power through.

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Maybe you ask your partner how they’re doing—and actually listen.

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Maybe you say, “I’m maxed out,” without shame.

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Because when you break the contract, you break the cycle.

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And that opens the door to a new kind of partnership— built on visibility, honesty, and shared load.

Why This Matters

You weren’t meant to be a quiet soldier in your own home.

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You were meant to be a co-creator of something better.

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But you can’t build what you never named.

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So take a breath.
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Tear up the old contract.
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And start writing a new one—together.

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See you next Sunday.

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P.S. If this message hits home, you’re not the only one. The Workroom is a private coaching space for men ready to do the real work—without the performance, the posturing, or the pressure to have it all figured out. Inside, we build emotional architecture from the ground up—so you can lead with intention, integrity, and connection. If you’re ready for that kind of shift, reply to this email with the word “WORKROOM” and I’ll send the details.

Frederick Van Riper

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