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The voice in your head is breaking trust

Read on my website | Read time: 3 minutes

The shame spiral almost cost me everything.

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Not the loud, obvious shame.
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The quiet kind.
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The kind that whispers:

• “You always mess this up.”
• “They’re going to see you’re not enough.”
• “Say less, before you make it worse.”

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It showed up in the mirror. In meetings. In my marriage.

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I didn't lose publicly.
I just started playing smaller.

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Withdrew when things got tense.
Said “it’s fine” when it wasn’t.

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All the while, that voice in my head narrated everything with judgment.

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Until one day, I looked at my son and realized:
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If I keep talking to myself like this…
He’s going to learn to do the same.

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Here’s what I’ve learned since then:

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Self-talk isn’t private.
It leaks.

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You might think you’re keeping the shame spiral contained in your own mind—but that’s not how energy works.

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When your inner voice is cruel, your outer presence is uncertain.
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You hesitate.
You over-explain.
You pull away before others can.

You create distance where there could’ve been connection.

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Not because of what you said.
But because of what you believed.

1 Skill: Speak to yourself like someone you want to trust

You can’t build connection with others when your relationship with yourself is full of quiet contempt.

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Because communication isn’t just words.
It’s energy. It’s posture. It’s presence.

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And if your inner voice is constantly narrating your failure, you’ll subconsciously try to manage or control others to avoid further “proof” that you’re not enough.

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It’s a loop that feeds itself:
🔁 Harsh self-talk → Defensive posture → Miscommunication → Shame → Even harsher self-talk.

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But when you interrupt that loop with self-understanding and self-compassion, everything starts to shift.

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Not because you're sugarcoating your flaws — but because you're finally making room to learn without being torn down in the process.

1 Mindset Shift: Every word—especially the ones you say to yourself—either heals or harms

Maya Angelou said, “People will forget what you said, but never how you made them feel.”

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That includes you.

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You will forget the exact mistake you made.

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But your body won’t forget how it felt to beat yourself up afterward.

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You’ll flinch at feedback.
You’ll avoid risk.
You’ll shrink before you start.

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As Joe Hudson says:

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This isn’t about positive affirmations and sticky-note mantras.
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It’s about creating a new default: one that builds your internal safety, so you can show up in relationships without needing to control or collapse.

1 Action Step: Say something kind—to you first, then someone else

Right now, try this:

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1. Think of the last mistake you made.
2. Write down what your inner critic said.
3. Now re-write it as if you were talking to someone you love who made the same mistake.

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It will feel awkward at first.
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But it’s not fake.
It’s training.

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You’re learning to build emotional capacity instead of abandoning yourself in moments of tension.

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And from that grounded place, you’ll be less reactive, more present—and safer to be around.

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Say something kind to someone else today too.
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But let it start with how you speak to yourself.

Why This Matters

The quality of your relationships will rise or fall to the level of your internal dialogue.

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The voice in your head is either helping you build trust—or slowly eroding it.

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Want to show up with more presence, confidence, and clarity?

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Start with the way you talk to yourself when no one else is listening.

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See you next Sunday.

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P.S. Launch week (and associated pricing) for my new substack, Off Script, ends tonight at 8 P.M. EST. Click here if you want to subscribe (you can also subscribe for free).

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Frederick Van Riper

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113 Cherry St #92768, Seattle, WA 98104-2205