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You're not being heard—but here's the twist

Read on my website | Read time: 2.5 minutes

Ever had a conversation that felt like you hit a brick wall?

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One of you brings something up—maybe something small, maybe something big— maybe it's feeling overwhelmed, or needing help with the kids.

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And before you know it, it’s an argument.
You’re defending yourself.
They’re upset.
And somehow, you feel like the bad guy—again.

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You walk away thinking:

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“It's always my fault.”
“I can’t say anything without it turning into a fight.”
“I’m better off keeping it to myself.”

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Here’s what’s actually happening:

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You’re not having a conversation.
You’re having a contest.

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A battle for who’s right.
Who’s doing more.
Who’s more hurt.
Who gets to win.

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This mindset? It kills connection.

The Trap of "Being Right"

Most men don’t mean to get combative.

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They’re just scared. Of being blamed. Misunderstood. Seen as the problem.

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So they deflect. Defend. Fix. Or freeze.

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All understandable.

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But here’s the truth Jeremy Roadruck and I unpacked on this week’s Dads Interrupted episode:

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In relationships, winning is often the exact thing that keeps you losing.

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You don’t need a better argument.
You need a better connection.

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That starts with a shift in how you approach conflict.

1 Skill: Lead with Curiosity, Not Control

Next time you feel misunderstood, don’t jump to your defense.

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Start with curiosity.

(On the episode, Jeremy describes it as turning frustration into fascination)

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Ask:

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• “What are you feeling right now?”
• “Can you help me understand what’s really going on for you?”
• “Is there something you wish I’d seen or done differently?”
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This isn’t about giving up your side.

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It’s about making space for the relationship to win, not just your ego.

1 Mindset Shift: Feeling challenged doesn't mean you're being attacked

Most of us grew up in environments where confrontation meant danger.

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So any sign of frustration or disappointment feels like we’re under siege.

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But what if challenge didn’t mean criticism?

What if it meant someone cares enough to try to get through?

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Try this reframe:

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​“This isn’t about me being wrong. It’s about us getting closer.”

1 Action Step: Drop the Debate

This week, find a moment where you'd normally try to prove a point.

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Instead, pause.
Drop your armor.
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Say: “I’m listening. I really want to understand where you’re coming from.”

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That one sentence?

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It can change the entire emotional temperature of a conversation.

Why This Matters

You don’t build trust through domination.
You build it through dialogue.

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You don’t need to win every argument.
You need to win your family’s trust.

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And that starts by being someone they feel safe talking to—even when it’s hard.

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Because real leadership isn’t about control.
It’s about connection.

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See you next Sunday.

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P.S. If this hit home, check out my conversation with Jeremy Roadruck on the Dads Interrupted Podcast (coming out 4/24). We go deep on how to stop fixing and start leading with emotional intelligence. You’ll walk away with tools—and a better understanding of what strength really looks like.

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Frederick Van Riper

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